Keep your nose clean.
You love him.
Never forget what he does for you.
Today, and frankly the last couple of days, I have proved to be the strong woman that I am. Kinda. At least I think I am making leaps and bounds here, whatever, that is all that matters :P. We are getting closer and closer to Alaska, frankly down to 7 days 14 hours until I get on a plane and my future remains completely unwritten. wow, I havent really taken time to think about it in that light…
When I get on that plane my future, whether I come back to Flagstaff, whether nick and I live forever or whether this job totally tanks. My life remains completely unwritten, and this is terrifying. Anything can happen over the course of the next few months and wow, my life will never be the same, I can’t believe that this all is happening in my life over a decision of whether to say yes or no… in one night, in one moment. I am so excited with these possibilities.
So difficult to live, but so true to spirit.
1. Exercise 30 min a day (probably more!)
2. Eat a good breakfast everyday.
3. Sleep 8 hours, while this might be difficult, I do need to start getting more sleep.
4. Avoid unhealthy snacking between meals.
5. Eat more fruits and veges everyday! (5 is recommended)
6. EAT FISH! Good thing I am going to Alaska and Nick is working on a fishing charter.
7. Drink more water, and one as soon as you wake up in the morning.
8. NO SODA, I already took this vow :)
9. Keep my body clean— especially my hair.
10. Start waking up earlier, 930 ish. Maybe earlier!
11. Check e-mail fewer times a day, eliminate FACEBOOK!
12. Always take the stairs.
13. Clean your room, always keep it clean, organized.
14. TRY TRY TRY to read one book per week.
15. Solve puzzles, like word games and number games to keep your brain active!!
16. Think positively.
17. Wait before buying ANYTHING major- 48 hours.
18. Meditate 30 min per day.
Or soda again.
i like to write more in my journal really, sometimes it scares me to upload some really personal rants on here, because… well you never know who is going to come across it. although i am pretty sure ever since i got rid of my facebook no one will know that this blog even exists…
i should not have just driven home.
“The first step is admitting it to yourself…”
I admitted it to myself. I have not been myself. I have been weird, awkward, nervous, shy, and frankly, not the powerful woman that I know that I am. I want to get back to myself, and in turn show Nick who I truly am… I hope that he gives me enough time to prove to him that I am not this little immature 20 year old…. In fact I am 20, but not at heart or mind. I know that, I think he wants to believe that, but after today, I hope he still does. I know that I am good enough for him; I know that I am hot enough for him; I know that I am sexy enough for him. I just need to make sure that I continue to want to impress him, he is your boyfriend, and he is someone that is going to make you feel good as long as you make him feel good. It is a mutual thing, a two way street… Today though I felt attacked. Today I felt as if I wasn’t good enough for him. Today he made me feel uncomfortable, but I was only uncomfortable due to my own inability to be confident in myself. Nothing that I do will ever be weird or gross to him, he loves seeing my body move in a certain way and just wants the lighting to be right so that he can truly see everything about me, not so that he can find a flaw in something that I am doing. Stop being so insecure, stop being so ‘high school’ dramatic, it’s so… unproductive. It gets you nowhere, I know you are very much stressed out right now, but don’t show it with tears. Go back to yourself, be confident in who you are, be confident that you are a beautiful, strong, independent woman. You have SO much going for you, do not forget that. I wish I could go back to feeling the way I felt in Flagstaff, I don’t even remember that feeling of who I was. I wish I could go back to the way it felt in Chicago and on the road trip, so carefree and so much fun. That is what I have to do, sit back, relax, he isn’t going anywhere, stop with the drama, stop with the serious talk, stop with the relationship talk, it really is so plain and simple. Learn how to loosen up your hips, want to learn how to loosen them up; because you want to impress him, you want to make him feel good so that he can make you feel good.
Lesson learned: be yourself, be yourself, be yourself. Stop worrying about the serious and the relationship and just enjoy him, for who he is. He is your boyfriend, and he cares about you very much, he is still crazy about you, and you are crazy about him, just remember to relax, and keep your head up.
Remember that he is going to tell you things that… well they really mean something.
Good things come to those who wait.
Right now I am sitting in a bed I have never slept in, in a house I have never been to, in a town I have only been to like… uh twice. I am in Tucson, getting mentally prepared for a bike race I am nowhere near physically prepared for due to the fact that I have been sick for the last like uh week. I haven’t ridden my bike in over a week, this should be interesting. I was stressed out about this race, now I am just not going to let it affect me, its just a race, its just a race!!!!!
I might have to go kill Brandon’s dog.
I feel a lot better now that I had a chance to write that out, and now its almost 3 in the morning, I am exhausted, goodnight, I will upload you when I get access to internet.